I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
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