I hate all girls vehemently.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
If I die, sorry about rent.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
