Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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