I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
