She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I wish I only lived at night.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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