The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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