I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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