Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
