if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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