I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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