I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
