it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
