I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
