Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
