Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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