I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
