Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
