my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
