Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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