At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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