you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
