Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I did not marry a roomba.
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