I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I want a musical about memes.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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