i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
