that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
