An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize