he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
