this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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