I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
