If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
