OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
