I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
