can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
