I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
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