Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
