Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My hand turned me down
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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