You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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