She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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