now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
