Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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