shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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