I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He did a backflip because drugs
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
