Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
