My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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