I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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