The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
