when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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