I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Is Oprah even human
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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