What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
