You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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