Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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