one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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