how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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