The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
