In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
