There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
