God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
