Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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