he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize