Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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