Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
